Life or Something Like It

I couldn't sleep last night. I started to get up and write a blog then, but I couldn't bring myself to put forth the effort. My mind was meandering all over the place, touching on many different subjects. It kept coming back to the men I have been attracted to, gone out with and married. I seem to gravitate toward the wrong kind of men. I made a comment to T-Lo that men suck, and that kind of scared me that I actually do feel that way; it's not just something I say. She said something that resonated with me, "Well, of course. You haven't had one prove you wrong." She's right, I haven't. But should the thought of going out on a date terrify me to the point of nausea? Not the good kind caused from butterflies, either. I sort of feel like I'm broken and I'm not quite sure how to fix myself. It's been 3 years since the demise of my marriage, well it was really over before it began considering. I'm not stuck in that relationship, but I can't seem to more forward to a new one. I've had more than one opportunity, but it's like I'm paralyzed. My emotional limbs stiffen up and freeze, effectively putting a halt to movement in that direction. I thought back to my first "serious" relationship in middle school. I 'went' with a boy a little younger than me and I really liked him, he was well mannered and polite and he really liked me back. We went out for almost the entire school year and right before summer I broke up with him. I'm not sure why, exactly, except for the fact that I wanted more emotion. I wanted him to fight to keep me. He didn't. I've been trying to find someone that wants me and would fight for me ever since, I think. The next week I called to try to set him up with my best friend at the time. He politely declined and I don't remember ever hearing much out of him again. Maybe my dating history is relationship karma for the way I treated him? The next guy I 'went' with broke my heart. I didn't know him nearly as well or go out with him nearly as long but I was so infatuated with him that I thought I'd die when it was over. I cried all evening the day he broke up with me and it's one thing I haven't blocked out of that time in my life that I wish I had. I had a few other dates between then and my marriage but nothing spectacular. The guy I eventually married pursued me, at least in the beginning. That was nice, it's what I needed and wanted, but it was a lie. It was all a fantasy, I look back at that time and see it in the pinks and purples of a dream world complete with sparkly stars. Is it any wonder I'm messed up? Why I'm putting this out in the blogosphere, I don't know. Maybe it will be therapeutic, maybe I'll get some helpful advice. It was on my mind. Why not?

P.S. Don't forget about the Heart Walk this Saturday. I need your money!!! To donate online, go to http://www.heartwalk.kintera.org/longviewtx and click on "Donate Here" or send me an email to tanyamoniq@yahoo.com and I will contact you with the information you need. Thank you for your support!

The junk mail folder in my AT&Y Yahoo! Mail is supposed to be for the Viagra, XXX Porn and Penis Enlargment ads and Russian Barons offering money if only I'd give them my account number for the transfer. There is no need to visit the folder. However, I feel compelled to go through it and keep mine empty. It disturbs me to see any mail in this folder. Is anyone else so anal that they need to empty their junk mail folder 15 times a day? Just wondering.

This morning, as I opened the front door and headed out to my car, I noticed several black crows in the road in front of my house. I thought to myself, "Now, that can't be a good sign," in my usual pessimistic mood. I traveled the black top roads on my way to work this morning, late as usual, and pretty much oblivious to the beauty of nature around me. I'm not sure what, exactly, roused me from autopilot. I began to notice the green pastures sparkling with dew, I spied a doe and her fawn calmly munching on breakfast, two rabbits played chase along the side of the road. It made me realize what I take for granted every day, even grumble about a lot of the time. Living in a small town, there's just not a lot around. We don't have a Starbucks, we don't have a Wal Mart, we don't even have a movie theater. Those things aren't that far away but it's an inconvenience we abide to live in a rural community. We forget sometimes about the pressures and traffic and insanity a big city emanates and long for the perfect lives we see portrayed on television; where friends share a cool apartment on the fringe of Central Park, where people walk to work from their apartment around the corner, where WiFi is common and not a freak accident. We begrudge the cities their cost effective public transportation, the trendy little clubs downtown, heck the fact that there IS a downtown. I imagine some of the people that live in the big cities long for some of the peace and solitude we enjoy in my little square of the earth. So, my point for this piece is for you to notice and enjoy one thing every day that you take for granted. Appreciate it, hold on to and savor one thing every day. We all need a little reminder sometimes to remember that we are blessed.