Life or Something Like It

I had a little meltdown last night. I'm not quite sure why, other than my emotional status seems to rev up another notch every year I get older. I cry at the On Star commercials on the radio for goodness sake! Let me tell you what happened.

I'm dogsitting. That means I have 5 dachsunds (plus my big mutt) in my tiny little house, all vying for my attention or my lap or the weenie I happen to have in my hand. My two are used to all of the attention. Captain seems to go with the flow, although even he has wanted in my lap this week. Piper, on the other hand, hates it. She is used to being my baby and getting most of the attention. She mostly tolerates everyone but every once in a while she'll throw out a growl or snap her teeth at her temporary roomies. She's got a bit of an allergy problem so I give her a Benedryl in a weenie every night before bed. As I was handing her weenie to her last night, someone else showed a little bit of interest in it and she snatched that sucker out of my hand and clamped down on my thumb in the process. It didn't draw blood but it hurt like hell, and it hurt my feelings. In my head, I know she didn't mean to do it and I know she's a freaking dog and I KNOW I'm being completely irrational. But I couldn't help it. I burst into tears, the whole time mad at myself and knowing that I was being stupid which made me cry harder. I went on with my bedtime routine, bawling the whole time, for 15 minutes I was blubbering and sniffling. And then I had the thought that out of the 6 dogs I had in the house not one cared a single iota that I was losing it, hence another fit of hysteria.

There could be a myriad of reasons for my little crying jag; the status of my love life, loneliness, the conflicting feelings I have with my so-called "family" or maybe I was just hormonal. I don't know, maybe I just needed it.

It took a little while and a few distractions but I finally stopped the waterworks. When all was said and done I just tucked Piper's little head under my chin, told her I loved her and clicked off the light. All was right with the world again.

My dear little Dottie
Whilst I love you so
Your antics are much too naughty,
You're causing me great woe.

I know you just want some booty,
But you're interrupting my slumber.
You must stop it, my beauty,
Cause I've got your number.

You can moan and groan
You can snort and stomp,
But your wilds oats are long sown,
There will be no romp.

Look around. I know He's up there, enjoying the scene before him in glorious amusement. What else could explain the things going on in the world today.

Don't you think it would be something God would do to allow O.J. Simpson to walk free, thinking he'd gotten away with murder. The cocky bastard walking around and making a mockery of the whole thing, so sure of his invincibility he didn't even try to hide what he was doing in Vegas. So, instead of murder he gets nailed for kidnapping and armed robbery. Justice? Or vengeance? I think God got a good laugh over that one for sure.

We've got paparazzi being punched in the face, government bailouts, 5 o'clock traffic, separation of church and state, Britney Spears as hard news, and global warming (aka weather, aka another commercial and politicized money making opportunity). Sounds like one big cosmic joke to me.

This is my entry for a little MySpace group called Blog Pick. Follow the link below to check out differing, but fascinating introspectives on a single topic.

OK folks, I just write 'em as I see 'em.

Soooo...question. Have
you ever been so hungry that you had to dig in to the rotisserie
chicken while you were still shopping? Yeah, me neither. This is what I
saw, however, yesterday while cruising the aisles for Lean Cuisines at
my local Brookshire's.

Strage lady thinking to herself, 'Yes, that looks like a good cut of pork. I think I'll take a bite of this chicken leg to celebrate.'

I could only shake my head and try to quell the laughter as I quickly
ducked down the soda aisle where I was quickly distracted by chocolate
chip cookies. Maybe I should have asked the lady for a bite of chicken
to celebrate...

In the 1800s, women in the United States had few legal rights and did not have the right to vote. After her arrest for casting an illegal vote in the presidential election of 1872, Susan B. Anthony was tried and fined $100. She refused to pay.

It was not until after her death in 1906, after five decades of tireless work, the Democratic and Republican parties both endorsed women's right to vote. In August of 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was finally ratified, allowing women to vote.

In theory, the 19th Amendment extended voting rights to all women. However, the vast majority of African Americans—men and women—continued to face restrictions on voting, such as literacy tests and other measures that discouraged them from registering to vote. The Voting Rights Act of 1965 finally banned such restrictions.

Look at the years of struggle it took to bring us to this point. No matter your feelings, this is an historic election. It is our civic duty; exercise your right and your privilege to vote, for it is a privilege.

My back hurts.

The 2008 Start! Heart Walk for the American Heart Association on Saturday was a success! I don't think a final tally is in, well I know it's not because I'm a slacker and haven't put all mine in yet, but I believe we raised close to $30,000. That's the current number on the website, anyway. **Singing: Awwwwwesome!!**

It was something I was proud to be a part of and I am also proud to say that although they didn't make everyone walk the entire 5k (What??!?!) that Tina and I did. It was important to me to complete the commitment I'd made, and we did it! Thank you, Tina, for realizing how important it was to me to do this. You rock! You're the bestest friend in the world and I was honored to have you next to me. Next year will be even better...

Have I mentioned my back hurts?

I couldn't sleep last night. I started to get up and write a blog then, but I couldn't bring myself to put forth the effort. My mind was meandering all over the place, touching on many different subjects. It kept coming back to the men I have been attracted to, gone out with and married. I seem to gravitate toward the wrong kind of men. I made a comment to T-Lo that men suck, and that kind of scared me that I actually do feel that way; it's not just something I say. She said something that resonated with me, "Well, of course. You haven't had one prove you wrong." She's right, I haven't. But should the thought of going out on a date terrify me to the point of nausea? Not the good kind caused from butterflies, either. I sort of feel like I'm broken and I'm not quite sure how to fix myself. It's been 3 years since the demise of my marriage, well it was really over before it began considering. I'm not stuck in that relationship, but I can't seem to more forward to a new one. I've had more than one opportunity, but it's like I'm paralyzed. My emotional limbs stiffen up and freeze, effectively putting a halt to movement in that direction. I thought back to my first "serious" relationship in middle school. I 'went' with a boy a little younger than me and I really liked him, he was well mannered and polite and he really liked me back. We went out for almost the entire school year and right before summer I broke up with him. I'm not sure why, exactly, except for the fact that I wanted more emotion. I wanted him to fight to keep me. He didn't. I've been trying to find someone that wants me and would fight for me ever since, I think. The next week I called to try to set him up with my best friend at the time. He politely declined and I don't remember ever hearing much out of him again. Maybe my dating history is relationship karma for the way I treated him? The next guy I 'went' with broke my heart. I didn't know him nearly as well or go out with him nearly as long but I was so infatuated with him that I thought I'd die when it was over. I cried all evening the day he broke up with me and it's one thing I haven't blocked out of that time in my life that I wish I had. I had a few other dates between then and my marriage but nothing spectacular. The guy I eventually married pursued me, at least in the beginning. That was nice, it's what I needed and wanted, but it was a lie. It was all a fantasy, I look back at that time and see it in the pinks and purples of a dream world complete with sparkly stars. Is it any wonder I'm messed up? Why I'm putting this out in the blogosphere, I don't know. Maybe it will be therapeutic, maybe I'll get some helpful advice. It was on my mind. Why not?

P.S. Don't forget about the Heart Walk this Saturday. I need your money!!! To donate online, go to http://www.heartwalk.kintera.org/longviewtx and click on "Donate Here" or send me an email to tanyamoniq@yahoo.com and I will contact you with the information you need. Thank you for your support!

The junk mail folder in my AT&Y Yahoo! Mail is supposed to be for the Viagra, XXX Porn and Penis Enlargment ads and Russian Barons offering money if only I'd give them my account number for the transfer. There is no need to visit the folder. However, I feel compelled to go through it and keep mine empty. It disturbs me to see any mail in this folder. Is anyone else so anal that they need to empty their junk mail folder 15 times a day? Just wondering.

This morning, as I opened the front door and headed out to my car, I noticed several black crows in the road in front of my house. I thought to myself, "Now, that can't be a good sign," in my usual pessimistic mood. I traveled the black top roads on my way to work this morning, late as usual, and pretty much oblivious to the beauty of nature around me. I'm not sure what, exactly, roused me from autopilot. I began to notice the green pastures sparkling with dew, I spied a doe and her fawn calmly munching on breakfast, two rabbits played chase along the side of the road. It made me realize what I take for granted every day, even grumble about a lot of the time. Living in a small town, there's just not a lot around. We don't have a Starbucks, we don't have a Wal Mart, we don't even have a movie theater. Those things aren't that far away but it's an inconvenience we abide to live in a rural community. We forget sometimes about the pressures and traffic and insanity a big city emanates and long for the perfect lives we see portrayed on television; where friends share a cool apartment on the fringe of Central Park, where people walk to work from their apartment around the corner, where WiFi is common and not a freak accident. We begrudge the cities their cost effective public transportation, the trendy little clubs downtown, heck the fact that there IS a downtown. I imagine some of the people that live in the big cities long for some of the peace and solitude we enjoy in my little square of the earth. So, my point for this piece is for you to notice and enjoy one thing every day that you take for granted. Appreciate it, hold on to and savor one thing every day. We all need a little reminder sometimes to remember that we are blessed.

Obviously I was wrong about Ike, at least for the Pittsburg area. It
hit pretty hard on the coast, people are still without power. In fact,
I believe some people in the Tyler area are still without power. I have
taken a hiatus from news and most especially weather so I'm really not
sure about that. I do know that the beach house we stayed in on Crystal
Beach is now no more than driftwood. It saddens me. We had such a
lovely time there. So, while I was wrong, I unfortunately was still
right. Just thought you'd want to know that Ike didn't whisk me away.
I'm still around. Mostly.

I was taking a shower yesterday, it was one of those leisurely showers
where I wasn't showering because I had to rush out of the house to
somewhere but just because it's the "non white trash thing to do."
(Thank you, T). I stood there and let the water pulse down on my neck
and my back, enjoying the warmth and calm in the dim light of my
bathroom. Suddenly, gurgle.. gurgle.. gurgle. It seemed the warmth and
calm had done its job and relaxed my tensed muscles. A little too much.
My once relaxing shower had come to an end and it was time to get out.
Now! I reach down to turn the water off, holding my stomach and
grimacing in discomfort. I turn around and reach blindly for my towel,
my towel that I'd left sitting on the bed. Rolling my eyes at my
forgetfulness, I brace myself for the rush of cool air that I know is
coming once I push back the shower curtain. I carefully step out of the
shower onto the cold floor, slipping and sliding to the bathroom door
and throwing water everywhere. I eyed the 3 feet of carpet between my
bathroom and my towel with trepidation and decided to go for it,
forgetting the box fan I have running full blast right outside the
bathroom door. I step out into the jet stream of cold air and let out a
squeal as I turn to ice. Piper lopes in to see what all the commotion
is about as I grasp my towel as if it were a life preserver. Satisfied
that I'm not being murdered, she gracefully turns around (if dogs could
roll their eyes I assume she would have done so) and resumes her snooze on the couch while I quickly remove the frigid droplets of water that didn't splash all over the floor already and don my pajamas (yes, I
traded one pair of pajamas for another... what's it to ya). I went from
tense to relaxed and back to tense in a span of about 30 minutes. And
of course after all that, I realized I didn't have to go any more.
Isn't that the way life goes? When you're finally ready for it, it
switches direction.

We're well into September now. Can you believe that mess? It's craziness to me.

Speaking of craziness...
OK, I've been watching Hurricane Ike since everybody was still talking about Hanna. Now, living in East Texas I usually don't worry about hurricanes. However, there is something about this storm that unnerves me. It's a huge storm, no doubt, but we've had other huge storms. They had first predicted it to hit Cuba, then curve up toward the Mississippi/Florida coastlines. Way before it hit Cuba, I knew they were wrong and it was going to hit Texas and hit close to home. So far, Ike has done pretty much nothing they predicted it was going to do. When they realized it was going to hit Texas after all, they forecast it to go further south toward Corpus Christi and Brownsville, possibly even Mexico. Now they believe it will hit somewhere around the Galveston area. I just have this weird feeling that I can't shake that it's going to do some major damage here in East Texas. You guys down on the coast stay safe and hopefully all my visions of future disaster will prove the silly musings of someone who watched too much of The Weather Channel.

I just wanted to post this in case Ike decides to whisk me away to
foreign lands. Then you'll all know that I AM always right. Told you!!

Sleep deprivation does not agree with me. When I am without sleep I
tend to get ill-tempered, edgy, impatient, etc. With that said, I still
have more patience than the two people with whom I am currently
residing. Henceforth, the Xanax is dispensed to my two patients quite
regularly. Which I find strangely ironic (those of you who know the
situation should understand what I mean). But I suppose NEEDING it and
abusing it are two different animals.

Did you know exhaustion causes one to stare blankly into space, sort of like sleeping with your eyes open?

Did you know that the sound of a rattle being shaken can send a person in search of the nearest psychiatric ward to fend of insanity? I hear that
stupid rattle in my ears everywhere I go.

Did you know that flaming bacon grease coupled with human skin causes blisters?

Did you know that computer software was invented to promote the liquor industry? It's a well-kept secret. But, I'm on to them.

Did you know that several cardboard boxes stacked on top of each other are much heavier than they look?

Just a day in the life...

stochastic - sto·chas·tic

adjective

being or having a random variable; "a stochastic variable"; "stochastic processes"



Is it weird to like old popcorn? Like I popped it yesterday and ate the
rest of it today, old. That's okay if it is. I'm, well let's say
different. For instance, I just poured water all down my shirt because
I missed my mouth. Sigh. Sometimes I don't even have the patience to
stand myself.



Have I mentioned today that calories suck!? 930 for a freaking sandwich. Ok, I'm done now.



Haven't posted an Overheard in a while, I think it's time for one.



"Overheard in New York" Quote of the Day

(Asian guy cuts in front of black guy in suit and starts peeing into toilet)
Black guy in suit: I was here first.

Asian guy: I have to go more.

Black guy in suit: Move or I am going to piss on your back, motherfucker.

(Black
guy now stands side by side with Asian guy at toilet, both actually
peeing into same toilet while trying to push each other away)

--W 4th Pizza Place, New York City

So, I named my weight today. Scarlett, after the scarlet letter. Scarlett, Queen of thy yonder Fast Food better look out because I'm going to shove that bitch over and steal her crown. I got this silly idea from a post on Calorie Count if anyone is interested in visiting the site. The name is self explanatory, but it's got numerous tools to help you out if you're into that sort of thing; and being a geek, dorkwad and general nerd, I am.

This losing weight thing is hard, dude. It's really hard. Most people think, 'just stop eating so much you lazy slob.' "Eat less, move more," says Dr. Laura. It's just not that simple, at least not for me. Some days are easy, 'nah, I don't need that cookie,' 'no pizza for me, I brought my lunch but thanks,' 'nope I don't want a blizzard today.' Some days are a little more difficult. I'm an emotional eater, so if something terrible happens or I've had a stressful day or somebody cuts me off in traffic or my earrings hang wrong or George Bush fumbles over a speech I tend to say fuck it and head to the nearest million calorie restaurant. And most of them have many more calories in their dishes than you would like to think, not to mention portion sizes. Unless you eat a salad (minus any sort of creamy dressing) it's hard to eat out when you're trying to lose weight. I usually order a la carte, that way I'm not even tempted to eat the things that come with the entree. I like to cook, I just HATE cleaning up the mess in the kitchen afterward. Don't worry, I usually do it before things start to grow arms and legs. Probably the hardest thing for me to cut out is soft drinks. Just two 20 ounce bottles of Coke total nearly 500 calories, that's like a third of the calories you are supposed to consume in an entire day.

Sorry, I didn't really mean to make this into a weight loss post but that's what kind of poured out today. Guess it's on my mind. I usually never know what I'm going to write until my fingers move. Anyway, if anyone cares I'm still at a 35 lb loss. It should start moving down again soon, I've done pretty good this week. I just need to keep a close eye on Miss Scarlett and her sneaky ways.