Life or Something Like It

I couldn't sleep last night. I started to get up and write a blog then, but I couldn't bring myself to put forth the effort. My mind was meandering all over the place, touching on many different subjects. It kept coming back to the men I have been attracted to, gone out with and married. I seem to gravitate toward the wrong kind of men. I made a comment to T-Lo that men suck, and that kind of scared me that I actually do feel that way; it's not just something I say. She said something that resonated with me, "Well, of course. You haven't had one prove you wrong." She's right, I haven't. But should the thought of going out on a date terrify me to the point of nausea? Not the good kind caused from butterflies, either. I sort of feel like I'm broken and I'm not quite sure how to fix myself. It's been 3 years since the demise of my marriage, well it was really over before it began considering. I'm not stuck in that relationship, but I can't seem to more forward to a new one. I've had more than one opportunity, but it's like I'm paralyzed. My emotional limbs stiffen up and freeze, effectively putting a halt to movement in that direction. I thought back to my first "serious" relationship in middle school. I 'went' with a boy a little younger than me and I really liked him, he was well mannered and polite and he really liked me back. We went out for almost the entire school year and right before summer I broke up with him. I'm not sure why, exactly, except for the fact that I wanted more emotion. I wanted him to fight to keep me. He didn't. I've been trying to find someone that wants me and would fight for me ever since, I think. The next week I called to try to set him up with my best friend at the time. He politely declined and I don't remember ever hearing much out of him again. Maybe my dating history is relationship karma for the way I treated him? The next guy I 'went' with broke my heart. I didn't know him nearly as well or go out with him nearly as long but I was so infatuated with him that I thought I'd die when it was over. I cried all evening the day he broke up with me and it's one thing I haven't blocked out of that time in my life that I wish I had. I had a few other dates between then and my marriage but nothing spectacular. The guy I eventually married pursued me, at least in the beginning. That was nice, it's what I needed and wanted, but it was a lie. It was all a fantasy, I look back at that time and see it in the pinks and purples of a dream world complete with sparkly stars. Is it any wonder I'm messed up? Why I'm putting this out in the blogosphere, I don't know. Maybe it will be therapeutic, maybe I'll get some helpful advice. It was on my mind. Why not?

P.S. Don't forget about the Heart Walk this Saturday. I need your money!!! To donate online, go to http://www.heartwalk.kintera.org/longviewtx and click on "Donate Here" or send me an email to tanyamoniq@yahoo.com and I will contact you with the information you need. Thank you for your support!